Advice From Two Dysfunctional Lovers


The season is approaching, and it’s so close that I can nearly smell the cheap dollar store chocolate, the desperation for attention seeping off of couples, the week-old flower assortments purchased last minute at nearby drug stores, and the sheer disappointment in a boyfriend who has forgotten the holiday (or hopelessly failed at fulfilling his girlfriend’s every wish). As the emotional holiday creeps closer, many people are wondering: how can I attain the most desirable relationship? Luckily, I am here to offer some of my best dating advice firsthand. On top of this, my boyfriend, Hayden, will share his advice as well (so as to assure that you receive the best advice, no matter what end of the relationship spectrum you’re on). 

First and foremost, never immediately commit to someone. In fact, don’t even commit once you’ve gotten to know him. He’ll become your best friend, you’ll find yourself telling him everything, and you’ll never have met someone so caring and understanding. Don’t commit. Actually, you should probably just lead him on until you put him in his place: the friend zone (despite how you truly feel about him, which doesn’t matter at this stage). Repeat this cycle at least four times (consider the upside: if he’s still persisting after the fourth friend zone, he must truly care about your well-being and overlook your undeniable quirks). This process could take up to a year, so keep in mind that patience is a virtue. After at least four friend zones on four separate occasions, you can finally accept the title as his significant other. 

Once you have accepted the title, however, do not allow him to grow comfortable. Always keep him on his toes. You can achieve this in various ways. First, substitute a few terms of endearment for “bro” or “homie.” Perhaps even the infamous, “brotein shake.” Second, theoretically, if your father happens to be an avid ice fisherman who will practice his craft for entire days and into the nights in horrible, dreary, below-zero, inescapable, windy conditions, seize the opportunity. Send your lover with him. Smile and wave intently as you watch them pull away, your dad blaring Aaron Lewis on the radio and your sweetheart buried under mountains of extra clothing and the wax worms (sometimes minnows, depending on how the traps did that week). Contingent on how strongly you feel about the relationship at that point, you could even do as I did: say that you would come save him if it passes 5:30 in the evening, but conveniently forget due to the loads of homework that preoccupied your time. 

Now it is time to meet his family. Keep in mind that it is adamant that they like you, so be on your best behavior. I think it best to begin by being grimly sarcastic with his father. In theory, if you are watching the movie Open Season, and his dad makes his way down the steps and asks why you aren’t out hunting, reply with, “Well, we are watching Open Season.” Be blatantly sarcastic from that point on. Not only this, but if the opportunity presents itself, ridicule your boyfriend with his brother at the dinner table. Remember, he has to meet your family and friends as well, so make him take part in your sister’s gossip sessions with her friends. Compel him to take part in your friends’ gossip sessions as well. 

Finally, assert your dominance by laying a solid punch on him every time that you see a nanner, sprinkler, twinkie, or slug bug (yellow car that is neither a construction vehicle or taxi, cars with flashing lights, buses, or buggies). Also be sure and tickle him at every given opportunity. Ask him for favors. Let him know who is the boss in the relationship. Assert dominance whenever possible. However, don’t forget to show him your love and appreciation. Be his best friend. Happy Valentine’s Day!





By now I am sure you guys are thinking, “What in the world is wrong with Hayden; why would he stick around for that long?” Well the same thoughts went through my head and the head of my best friend after I faced rejection after rejection. You see, there is an aura around Baylee that enticed me and made it impossible for me to want or think about anything else. So I set out on a mission. Boys and girls, this is how you escape the friendzone. 

First, you will fall for her. She will be all that is on your mind. You will face a rejection; one that seems closed, but it is either the desperate way in which you read the words or the way in which the words were written in order to try and spare your feelings that will offer you hope. These words normally include an “I’m just not ready for a relationship right now,” right now being the catch that keeps you going. Once you get this slight, slight chance, go for it. Kinda like in the Dumb and Dumber movie when Loyd is told there is a one in a million chance he could be with the girl and he replies with, “SO YOU’RE SAYING THERE’S A CHANCE!!” Yes, exactly Loyd. This is how men’s brains work when they are head over heels for their particular special someone. 

Now the last thing I am saying is to go full on Joe from YOU on your special someone, but instead of being creepy and stalkerish, always be there for her when she needs you. Guys, no matter how much you think it may work, or how much it seems like it is going on around you, being the bad guy will not get you the girl. Well it may initially, but not in the long run. Good luck getting anybody else after your reputation is shot. It is better to just roll with the punches and keep that good rep. That’s the most important part. Be a good guy, and always be there for her. 

Once you are there for her, she will realize that you are someone she needs to keep around. If you continue to be that supportive, always-there-for-you kind of person, then you just might get invited to play foosball and Mario Brothers with her parents.  Now, this is your time to shine. You think to yourself, “I have always been good with parents!” SIKE! Parents are nerve-racking. No matter how much they like you, your brain will tell you they despise you. Even though you and her mom are destroying her and her dad in foosball, you’re sweating, so every time you score, you high five her mom with the back of your hand so she can’t feel your sweaty palms. 

Despite your amazing foosball skills, you will face the friend zone again and again. What’s it going to take, you may ask? Well that’s when the Rawlins football team has your back; they’ll snap your leg like a twig. BOOM! Here comes the sympathy. Now you may think you look bad with a twisted knee, blood on your shirt, and crazy helmet hair, but to your dream girl you just look huggable. She finally realizes just how much she cares about you, and just like that, you are out of the friendzone. 

Now you have to stay that way, so it is going to take some work. First off, you must win over her family. Family is the key to everything. First her dad. As us boys know, dads are the hardest to crack, so that is where you start. Luckily for me, her dad and I have many common interests: hunting, fishing, and similar music taste. One day, walk in and name the artist playing in the room and he’ll fist bump the air, then come dab you up. Pretty soon you’re on the lake together hauling in record-sized walleye. Next, her sister. She’s shy, so it makes it a little harder. Still easy. What do all girls her age want? Coffee and car rides. Before you know it, you’re sitting on the carpet at girls night with her and her friends. Then finally, her mom. Easy. Just answer every one of her questions, play all of her board games, and spoil her daughter. Before you know it, she’ll love you too, and she may even call you family. After all of this is done, you can relax, but never stop making your special someone feel special. Always work to find ways to show them just how much you care.