A Modest Proposal

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A Modest Proposal

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A MODEST PROPOSAL

For simplifying the ongoing dispute over the rationality of issuing scrunchies to assert dominance.

by

Baylee Stafford

2019

 

The bright and colorful aura surrounding the 1980s and 1990s has been making a comeback in recent years, specifically in women’s fashion; what with their oversized jeans consisting mainly of fabric with large, intended rips in them (but God forbid you comment on the baggy appearance of the pants, let alone ask the infamous question: “are those your Sunday pants?” because according to the ladies, this nugget of pure comedy gold is “overused and not funny”). Personally I disagree, but I digress. What has returned even more so, however, is the use of scrunchies. That is, if merely wearing what is intended for one’s hair around one’s wrist daily is considered use. In fact, it has become a fashion phenomenon to showcase a scrunchie with at least four of the five outfits worn in a business week. Not only this, but girls have implemented passing their scrunchies on to their significant others as a means of  “claiming” them. It is on this note that I offer a bulletproof plan to ensure that it is made common knowledge which men belong to which females, as well as who possesses complete dominance. 

After having invested several nights pondering this subject, I have landed upon a plan which sums up the roles within a relationship. Having recognized the grey area between how much power males and females are allowed within the relationship, I would like to offer an incredibly reasonable solution. Currently, females assign a male with a single scrunchie to showcase around their wrist upon entering a devotion to each other. This scrunchie is a representation of the fact that this particular man is in a committed relationship, and thereby is permitted from speaking to another female. 

My plan will turn this representation into a guarantee. I hereby propose that with the issuance of each scrunchie, a contract of ownership is also presented. If signed, the contract will warrant that the male belongs to the female that has issued it, and he shall be stripped of his rights entirely (unless, of course, his beloved darling says otherwise). Said rights include but are not limited to: claiming that “Saturdays are for The Boys” and using this as a legitimate excuse to surpass date night, speaking with another female, prioritizing the x-box over his significant other, making the slightest bit of eye contact with another female, saying the word “no” or any words that resemble it to his significant other, touching another female, laughing at another female’s joke or having any sort of reaction to another female in general. With the limitation of these rights, it will be made crystal clear who possesses power in the relationship. The scrunchie will simply serve its original purpose: to display that the male in question is currently off the market, and has already been claimed. 

It is safe to say that if action is not taken soon, the issue of who has complete and ultimate power will only intensify. So I encourage any and all high school girls to take the next step toward the logical solution to this growing predicament. 

 

P.S. my name is Baylee Stafford, and I do not actually hold these beliefs to be true. The underlying purpose of this document was primarily to draw attention to the quirky actions of today’s society, and in no way do I intend for this to be a legitimate solution. I was merely drawing attention to the subject, just as Jonathan Swift did to famine in Ireland with his “Modest Proposal” in 1729.