Senioritis Epidemic Sweeps CHS


Photo by Rex Pickar on Unsplash

Senioritis has become more and more contagious throughout the years. While a vaccine is being developed, there is not currently a cure. This year, CHS has been beset with the disease, the senior class dropping from two thousand students to roughly one hundred. Many of the missing have been diagnosed in the ER with the disease, the first step of treatment being bed-rest.

During the bed rest period, the disease has been noticeably spreading from the senior class to juniors and sophomores. These underclassmen have followed suit of seniors, taking “college classes”, “mentor sessions” and even “work experience” classes. During these “classes” students are getting coffee, taking naps and worst of all, procrastinating on homework.

Bed rest doesn’t always solve the problem though. Seniors are currently being quarantined due to the contagious nature of the disease, and a hunt is being put out by the Cody hospital for everyone, especially seniors, that have the following symptoms listed on

  • Mild to moderate cases of staring out the window
  • Swollen ego
  • Homework fatigue
  • Inflammation of the whining gland
  • Acute mediocrity
  • Short-term memory loss
  • Excessive tardiness
  • Classroom intolerance
  • Excessive hallway wandering
  • Existential malaise

An unnamed CHS Staff member commented on the epidemic, “This year we have lost a worrying amount of graduates,” they said. “We are doing our best as a school to improve the numbers, but this senior class really won’t comply anymore.”

This member isn’t alone in the thought. In a student-led poll on the subject, ninety-nine percent of the staff at CHS has given preventative actions to reduce the number of affected students. “I’ve never seen the problem blow up so much…I just wonder how these kids got into college,” another anonymous member commented.

If you or a fellow classmate have the symptoms listed above, please call (277)453-6657 (APR-ILF-OOLS)