Dear Louie, I Hate Hunting

I Hate Hunting


Caitlyn Murray.

Sincerely, Louie.

Dear Louie,

I am a female British Labrador whose owner is a hunting freak, and I have a HUGE problem. I am supposed to be a WATER DOG who jumps into freezing rivers and lakes and swamps to swim out and grab a disgustingly stinky duck or goose in my mouth and swim back to my owner without dropping it, even if it is still alive and is squirming and clucking and honking and hissing and flapping as it gets ready to die. I can not do this. It is torture for the birds, and I have horrible nightmares. I have refused to go after these poor wretches, and my owner kicks me and threatens to take me to the pound if I do not perform for him. What do I do?

A Panicked Pooch

Dear Panicked Pooch,

First off, I would like to say that your situation sounds horrible. I am so sorry that you have to be going through this. I have seen this issue many times before. I am glad to assure you that the last pup who came to me to solve his problem just like yours is living a worry-free life, with a wonderful new owner. The resolution to this issue is to be the best-worst dog you can.

Let me explain, your goal is to make your owner’s days as horrible as they can get. When you wake up in the middle of the night, get into where ever your food is kept, and eat ALL OF IT. ¬†After all that food, the call of nature will be waiting for you. This is when you let everything loose and let it go everywhere. You may get in trouble for this. To avoid the consequences that your owner will want to give you when they open the door to let you out, take off and do not come back for a few hours. When you come back home, bark and scratch at the door until they let you in. It may be awhile before your owner will let you back in. In the letter that you sent me, you said your owner threatens to send you to the pound, to me this sounds like a better alternative than staying with them.You will have to repeat everything you did yesterday to make your owner really mad. These steps will help you with our final plan, which is the next time that you are forced to go on one of your horrible hunts you have to be super loud and scare the prey away. If you do this, I guarantee you that your owner will never take you back out again. If all things go to plan you will be brought to the pound, this is good because it seems to me that everyone loves an adorable British Labrador so you will end up just like the happy dog I helped out last.